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yorukamome
yorukamome
..:.:::.::

June 2016
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yorukamome [userpic]
the dream ship

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

あの落ち葉
この夢の船
に成った哉

ano ochiba
kono yume no fune
ni natta kana

that fallen leaf, oh!, has changed to ship for my dreams

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

「暗示した改正は、スタス様に、どうも有難うございました。」

truely a biggest pleasure for me, I come again on this page a few days later, to add the very
first comment by my Sensei, Mrs. Zumi Sama, Who suggested "fune ni/narinikeri", or (if I DO want
to leave the 成=KANA whose sense I like so much) to use as one more correct form in nihongo
the RENTAIKEI+成 "narerukana", which I would prefer...I like the "classic" exclamative sense and
"rethorical question" of the 成 often closing a haiku, but I feel mostly honoured,
and correctly obliged as well, to host Her important correction - I had previously cut
the NI from the FUNE (to which it correctely belongs, by a lexical point of view),
in order to keep at my best the original rythm and the right syllable number of 5/7/5:
now I can see how Zumi Sensei, not according to 5/7/5 (it becomes 5/8/5) BUT within the
use of correct tense/lexical forms, suggests this new, nicely "sounding", as well rythmic

あの落ち葉
この夢の船に
成りにけり

ano ochiba
kono yume no fune ni
narinikeri

・・・どうも有難うございました、先生・・・。

Current Music: bob dylan, "new morning", 1970
Comments

how touching! how beautiful!
ahhhh......

!!!

thanks, Taisha sama, and welcome - I'm replaying only now, for you might like to see also the original written version I posted today:I would be truly pleased of your next visit.
'tis a pity I cannot read russian, your things too are amazing and moody, but - as we all know - "translator/traitor"...lol)

Thank you, you are so hospitable! Certainly I'll visit your lj again!
...And I'm pity, that russian is the only language I can speak well :)
But there are some my translated to english poems:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/taysha/7660.html
http://www.worldhaikureview.org/4-1/whcrussian_files/slides/04.html

What an amazing picture! I wish I could read Japanese to fully appreicate your haiku.

Thanks

welcome, tsikori sama, and many thanks.
unfortunately, the nice image is not my work...but it's nature of "dream ship sailing" is however so easily read that my kanji
get soon to be needless - well, "redundant" suits perhaps better, ne? - under everyone's eyes, it floats away, carrying time and soul...

Well, a beautiful poem... And the Photoshop in addition to a calligraphy brush. ^-)

many thanks for your precious suggestion, sutasu sama - as you can see,
I have "literally" ADDED my original shodou of this "ano ochiba".

Oh, what a wonderful piece of art... I wish I could learn the secrets of shodou.

御陰様で、スタス様・・・。 "okagesama de",
due to your kind thought, sutasu sama.